May 4, 2009

Life goes on…

I haven’t really blogged about anything but the baby to be. This entry is probably different – its more about me – unfortunately bitching!

I broke down the other night! Something trivial happened and I could almost feel my nerves popping and I started crying! My husband tried to console me, and every word he spoke was just like a reality check! It was like, everything he said was something I knew but just didn’t want to hear. The biggest blow was when he said, “I feel hurt too when friends and other folks tell me that they are pregnant!” My heart broke; he has born so much for and from me! And yet, there is not much I can do, I feel helpless! Somehow I cooled down after a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge, and some sleep! We discussed about my breakdown the next day. He asked how he could help me help us… and all I could say was that we are doing all we can and I don’t expect him to do anything more - it is what it is ...and eventually I was back to my current normalcy(?)!

I have always dreamt of babies and today my dream is still a dream where as the world seems to have moved on. A few things that flashbacked at me when I heard the last pregnancy news…
-We moved into our house approximately 2 years ago and I had dreamt that soon we would have a cute little baby and our neighbor’s would coo over him/her! One of our neighbors now has a 4 month old adorable baby girl!
-We went to one of the local spring fest’s a few weekends ago… we had been there last year too with a pregnant friend of ours… and I had hoped I would go with a pregnant belly this year… that friends baby is now almost a year old!
-At a baby shower last summer, I won most of the games we played and everybody teased me that it’s a sign and I would probably be the next mommy in the group, and here I am typing away almost a years since then.
-One of my neighbors who I grew up with got married a year after us, and I was surprised that I hadn’t heard that she was pregnant yet (since the whole world seems to be popping kids), and the day of my IUI, my father had to tell me that she was 4 months pregnant with twins!
-One of the non-IF blogs I follow, the female has a 3 year old son, they decided to take an EU trip last fall before they could start planning for a sibling for their son, and now she is already pregnant - with twins!

Even before we started riding the IF highway, we have always tried to keep ourselves busy over the weekends, either with small house projects or entertaining friends at home or going out somewhere. Weeks just fly by, and it helps to not have free time on weekends to build demons in my head. Last to last weekend we had two families over for dinner. Both the ladies have babies (who are two months apart), and they couldn’t stop discussing their infants… I guess I am going to have to be smart enough to not bring “mother” friends home! Though what do I do if/when everybody I know is almost into their motherhood?

I sound like a mean old b#$%* who can’t stop whining! I am not jealous (as yet), but I can’t fathom the idea that it’s so easy for some… the suspense in my life kills me!

The IF ride is so over powering, that I have realized that I am willing to let go of a lot of hang ups and insecurities I have had before. I am (more) willing to accept that time changes everything; things and relations don’t remain the same. No relation is indispensable, yet cherishable! Every person has the right to be irrational, insensitive and stupid… and I should not be getting hurt! Life is too short and anything could happen to anybody at any time.

I debated if I should have taken the HPT before I went to the RE’s office for bw (during the 2ww). I knew the HPT’s could be wrong or could possibly not detect the hormones in the blood… but, I was trying to figure out if I should give myself a relatively sober birthday (if it’s a BFN) by knowing in advance or wait for the bw a day before my birthday! I have had all new symptoms this time (pregnancy?), though it could be the progesterone suppositories I was taking! As optimistic as I wanted to be, I am already sick of getting hurt and betrayed. This wait is annoying!

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