Birthday Gift or Not?

So finally, I decided not to take the HPT! I was sick of wasting money on those pee-sticks which always turned BFN… I had to anyways pay the freakin $30 copay (which adds up to 100s in any active cycle months) at the RE’s for bw. I had started convincing myself that I am not so lucky, as to have the "best’est" ever birthday present of my life! I could not be declared pregnant a day before my birthday. How could I? I have never had it easy… I wasn’t meant to go through IF so that I could get a fancy birthday present! My idea was… if I was pregnant, then yes, it would be the most cherishable present I have ever given to myself… but if I wasn’t, I was not going to be very disappointed (with the mental prep). Also, it was going to be another year down the drain for my biological clock.

On the day of the bw, I waited and waited… and the nurse finally called at around 3:30 pm or so that afternoon… of course the news wasn’t good… I didn’t seem disappointed! Progesterone was 9 and HCG was less than 1. I also asked about my Estrogen level before my trigger (since I had forgotten to ask that), it was 216 (probably just 1 follicle). We started talking about the next step. I have 1 more IUI left on my insurance (exhausted 2) after which we would have to go on to an IVF. I have read stories where an IVF cycle gets converted into an IUI cycle due to poor response, and I was concerned that if we exhausted all our IUI’s, I wouldn’t have a backup (insurance paid) IUI cycle. My nurse mentioned that with my PCOS, it is highly unlikely that I wouldn’t have enough eggs for IVF… she wanted us to think about it and get back to her when I called her with my AF day 1. After I hung up, I called my husband and informed him about the not so great news! He wanted to make sure I was okay… which I guess I was… he said we would discuss this once we both got home.

Think and discuss was something I didn’t wanna do – my brain was fried! For the last freakin 9 months, I had refrained myself from consuming anything that is not really required by/for my body. I probably have had 1 beer, 1 small wine, no coffee, no tea and may be a little bit of sprite in the last 9 months! I was ready to get sloshed tonight!!! If being nice for 9 months didn’t help, getting drunk 1 night was not going to make things worse. We opened my favorite wine – it’s from a small winery (Messinahof) in Texas, but I think they have the best Port wine (http://www.messinahof.com/Spec%20Sheets/Port_PR_2003_TX.pdf). My husband did get some cake for my birthday. Honestly, I was not expecting anything and didn’t really wanna do anything either (I wanted to keep it low key)! I was thinking of not picking up any birthday calls that I received the next day! However, I felt like a sob ignoring the calls and I did answer them – they cheered me up momentarily! Birthday evening we decided to go and pray! …And I couldn’t hold my tears back! What wrong had I done to be going through what I am going through? If this is a test, how many times do I fail before *God* gets happy and grants me a wish? What are Blessings? What is Luck? What is Karma? Should I really believe in those things? The next few days passed! I still don’t wanna think of what next? I am blindly accepting my husband’s decision that we will be doing a 3rd IUI. Honestly, I don’t think I am mentally prepared to start a different routine (IVF) this cycle… all the planning, the timing, the newness, the uncertainty! If the 3rd IUI fails, I have no option but to go on for an IVF – so I guess I will be mentally prepping myself this month!

My AF has arrived and I will be going in for my day 3 check up tomorrow. Not sure if this will be an active cycle or if I am going to have cyst issues like last time. I didn’t feel over-stimulated this time, though who knows what my ovaries have to say?!

I do realize this is just the beginning, and even if I get pregnant, carrying a healthy baby to full term is another challenge! And I hope I can ultimately succeed.