Soul Searching

The other day I went grocery shopping, alone... since my Mom was home with the kids! After I checked out, there was a really old man walking inch by inch... holding up a huge row of people behind him at the narrow exit of the grocery store. It took everybody a long time to get out of there. I wanted to help, but I was way behind him, and momentarily felt rushed as well... because it was nearing kids lunch time. The old man finally stepped out of the grocery store, and everybody rushed out after him. I rushed to my car, quickly drove to the bank ATM, and then zoomed by. The old man, was still inching towards his car. One man offered to help, but the old man either denied or probably gave a convincing reason for the guy to not help him!


I felt very guilty! I should have offered to help him! I was not juggling my twins!


Besides the guilt of not helping, because I was so preoccupied with things to do, it just hit me that one day I might (will) be in that stage. It will be nice to have family around to help me out, but who knows what situation they/I will be in and will there really be some one to look out for me?


It was easy to go in to the self pity mode when we were struggling with fertility, it is easy to be disappointed now with some one when they don't behave the way you expect them to, or be annoyed when some one plays politics with you. But when you are at that age... when every moment of your life is a struggle... who do you blame? Would you expect empathy from the person across from you?


It just humbled me. Life is not easy, and no matter how blessed I feel, I do get flustered and worked up with the terrible twos. Its a phase, and I will miss that too. In general I am stressed with things that are going on around me, but where does all this fall in my life when I actually look back at it may be 30 years from now?

23 months

23 months and 1 week, really!!

This is a recap of the last two months - this post was started in January (yes, I have really been lazy with updating here)! To me they seem like little big people, and it is unrealistic to note down each small thing they do. As much as I would love to keep a record every month of their progress, I am not sure how I am going to address this in the upcoming months. It is bitter sweet, this blog started with my fertility journey - it was my life line, and today they are almost two, and I don't know where this blog is headed. I don't want to shut it down, neither do I want to neglect it... this is my baby too!! Only time will tell!

Here are the highlights:

-They can repeat pretty much any word we say, and communicate with all sorts of words and mini sentences in 2 different languages.

-The call out each other with names. They know their names, last name, Mommy & Daddy's names, street address!

-They can both identify up to 20 and pretty much say A through Z, along with some nursery rhymes.

-RT by herself has started identifying the letters that go with words. Like she will say herself Monkey.... M... and I have never purposefully prompted this to her!

-They both climb and sit on to their high chairs. RM has hopped in to RT's crib after getting up from a nap once. They are trying to climb in to their cribs from outside. Our days of them jumping out of the crib are near. I don't think I am ready for yet another transition and the sleep battle that may arise with it. I think we do have the railings for the crib to toddler bed conversion in the garage. Its stay in the garage may be numbered!

-The other day, during one of our cold/cough days, RT threw up... we had to change her and her sheets, I asked her if she wanted to sleep with us and she said yes. And yes, she did co-sleep with us without any problem. She was asleep in a few minutes without any wake ups. Though, she did get up a little earlier than usual. Just gives me some hope that we might be able to go out this summer for overnight trips without major sleep issues.

-RT sits with her baby doll and reads her stories. Her favorite thing to tell her doll is "Goo (Good) Job Baby".

-RT loves helping Mommy put groceries away.

-To them "Costco" equals "Grocery". Since Costco has the mega carts (side by side seating), that is our hot favorite place to go get stuff! So for their little minds, every item is picked up from Costco. If they are pretend playing that they are going out... they will tell me that they are going to Costco and start with a list of items (eggs, bread, broccoli (bocoli), beans, tomano (tomato)), Cheerios, chicken, fish etc) they are getting. Pizza (Pisha as they say it) tops the list.

-We went to a bounce house twice in the last 2 months. RM had such an awesome (aawshum

as per RM) time. He climbed up super big slides and came down it without any fear. RT had fun too, but she was a little hesitant and reluctant to go explore a few of the things out there.

-We did Gymboree in January... I basically had a groupon deal, where I got fee initiation and then super cheap 1 month class deal. The kids loved it. We will be starting gymtime at the local Y as well this month. We are thinking of getting them in to some sort of school environment this summer.

-It's crazy how much both of them have picked up. Like, we no longer have to tell them - oh look its raining! They will identify it and tell us even before we realize it! Even though we haven't really had much snow (besides the freak storm in October and some snow fall in February), they love seeing it on TV or in books.

-The other day they were roaming around the house holding each others hands, and RT was holding a baby doll as well! That is the cutest thing ever! They were waving us bye-bye! :) There is a lot of pretend play. They even act out our bed time rituals with their dolls - step by step! And, there is a lot of love too - kissing, hugging, helping out, consoling... at the same time some terrible two's as well!

-We saw our first movie in the theatre today - The Lorax. And I was pretty impressed how well they handled it. There was no stepping out in the middle of the movie because of an uncontrollable tantrum or meltdown. They were a little scared during some parts of the movie (where its dark and has creepy (to their ears) music), but otherwise they enjoyed it. They had their own interpretation... as in Lorax was a Monkey, and the fishes were Dorothy (thanks to Elmo)... besides that they had appropriate reactions of "Oh noooo" or "oh ooh" or clapping, or dancing to music etc!

-We have had another failed attempt of sippy cup transition for RT. RM has been on straw sippy for almost 5 months now! But RT... she is giving me nightmares about potty training, just looking at how difficult she is in transitioning to sippy and how fussy she is at eating her food.

-I ordered their Elmo birthday dresses from Etsy! I have a cake design in mind. The rest I still need to plan out. We have been so very busy off late, that I have been exhausted. We have been out and about every weekend doing some kiddo activity or the other... weekdays have been busy too!

-We go in for their 24 months appointment on April 13th, and RM's yearly follow up appointment with the neurogeneticist is May 4th.

-We are 3 weeks away from their 2nd birthday! The party is going to be on March 24th! :)

Last Year, This Time...

Last year, this time... I was sinking in to motherhood and celebrating my 1 year anniversary of IVF cycle (the non BCP part)! I started my Lupron on 7/2/2009. Those dates seemed so important last year and I could tell them without having to look at my blog timeline. Those dates always will be important, but today I have toddling proof(s) around me 24/7, so I am less sentimental about it.

This year, this time... I am waiting for my insurance/pharmacy to send me my BCP. Our insurance changed in May and they want us to go through an online pharmacy! It has taken 2+ weeks between my OB's office (lazy) staff and the "pharmacy" already... and they are still processing my Rx. Long story short, I spoke to my OB and requested him to send in my BCP Rx so that I can get my lovely aunt back! So, as soon as the pills arrive, I am back to an infertile taking BCPs.

So glad...

I am so glad I decided to blog! I was backing up my blog today and went through some of the posts! It felt so good to have all this writen down and revisit some of the posts! An amazing journey!!

It still hurts!

One of my friends from high school called and told me she is Pregnant! I should have been happy and excited for her! But, the same old story - I am not! She is a part of the close knit group we had back in the days. We are still very well connected and in touch! Another reason, why I should have been really excited for her... because she was a potential candidate for being an IF!

I think the reason is because she is the second gal from that group of ours who got PG one after the other and real quick. Why is it so easy for them? I have two beautiful babies... who mean the world too me... so why do I still hurt just about the same!

I guess, just like I will always be a Mother... I will always be an Infertile!